This Small World

On Monday, I hung out with the girl who prayed for me at Summer Madness about a month ago. We found each other on Facebook and agreed to meet in Belfast and hang out for a bit. I really needed it because I have been really struggling a lot - with faith, with God, with being alone, with being away from home, with meaninglessness, with salvation, with death, with eternity, with wasting my time (what my calling actually is/what I'm supposed to be doing down here anyway, though this is becoming less and less of a question and "how on earth can I know the love of God" is taking its place - probably a good switch, I think) and money (the exchange rate just went up and this is really, really stressing me out)...yeah.
It REALLY helps me, on one level (and we won't explain the other levels right now), to talk with people - even if we didn't talk about any of that stuff. We actually talked about the lady I'm staying with - she is difficult for me to be around for a variety of reasons and so, I'm actually so glad that tomorrow is my last full day here in Northern Ireland (I leave early bells for Switzerland Friday morning and it's going to be a relatively long day of travel...). But, the reason we could talk about Sally is because the girl I hung out with today - Ashleigh - is really good friends with her daughter, Chrissy. It is Chrissy's room I've been staying in for the past month or so, and it was helpful to hear that it wasn't "just me" that thought Sally was really strange/difficult.
Anyway, despite my soul-cracking struggles over here, it was REALLY good to be with Ashleigh, even if only for a few hours. We do need people (as my pastor says, we need each other deeply), but I'm learning what exactly we need each other for...

Also, last night and into the wee hours of the morning, I got to talk to my "dad". For 6 hours. It was so awesome. And I've sensed a real, deep-solid changing in him, too. He was always awesome, but now, the gentleness I knew was there is coming out, I was a bit stunned by his soft humility and by his self-awareness (at one point, he apologized to me for not re-presenting Christ very well...). Like, I already thought he did these things awesomely - but, wow, new levels of awesomeness! Thank you Lord for the lavish blessing you've placed within him and in my life.

And today, I spent enough time outside to give myself an eyeache (from the sun) in Sally's backyard. We've FINALLY had nice enough weather for me to spend nearly all day outside!

"These are for you, Megan."
~God

Christian Spelling and other pursuits of grace

For my last Sunday in Northern Ireland (two days ago), I was planning on going to a Baptist church. I figure that now is my time for church exploring a bit since I'm clinging like a vine to the (Seattle) Vineyard when I get back and it would give me an opportunity to do some research on what a Baptist (or, for that matter, a Presbyterian) actually IS...
Evidently, God had other plans...
I didn't leave in enough time to walk to the church and I get hot-faced embarrassed about getting to stuff late, particularly if I'm new or visiting (though I have to say it's getting MUCH better*). I realized I wasn't going to make it in time when I got to Village, so I thought I would do some grocery shopping for my last days here. I was walking through the Village and I remembered Sally saying something about there being a 1st Presbyterian church after I'd visited the 2nd Presbyterian church the Sunday before my trip to Amsterdam, and I wandered by it. I was looking at the information board outside the church, and, seeing that the service started about 25 minutes ago, I resigned that I wasn't going to go to church that day - but just continue the rather intense (freaked out/unsure/"God HELP me!") prayers I'd begun my first step out the door and call that "church". I was about to turn away when a sweet old gentleman waved at my from the door, inviting me in.
He squeezed me into the first seat at the back...I was half hour late and walked in in the middle of intercessory prayer (where the minister prays for the congregation, the teams they've sent out, for us, for the world - they're beautiful). Then, we sang a song about the goodness of God (something I realized on the walk down that was at the heart of my death/eternal life struggle). Then, the minister gave me a sermon. It looked like it was addressed to the entire congregation but it was really for me. It was about how we didn't make this up, this is all GOD's story, and how God is the central character in all history, and how nothing makes sense without God. He talked about the superficiality of the age we live in - that is, most of our main sources of communication - media, news, even education - completely disregard God. He used Acts 13 to show how Paul emphasized this so much (16 times, Paul attributes action to God in this one chapter), and had interesting thoughts about how we explains "what happens" to people: Do we say "God did this then God did this, and then God did this?" Or, do we say "this happened, then this happened, etc." I mean, what do we MEAN when we say that God is sovereign anyway, right? This would actually sort of be compatible with a deterministic world view, only we'd call it predestination or something like that, but that calls into question free will, and, I used to think the best argument for free will was that if there was no free will there would be no ability to love, but a few recent experiences have taught me that, while that is true, perhaps a better argument for free will is "sin." (Or, "bad things happening (to good people)" if you're not "religious"). So, I definitely don't understand all of this, and I don't think I need to, really...it's sort of important to think about though...anyway...back to the sermon about how God is in everything:
"But, what should religion have anything to do with education, you might say? Well, first of all, this isn't religion, this is reality. Suppose your child comes home from school one day and asks you why he should to spell like the rest of the students instead of going his own way. You explain to that child that learning to spell like all the others will help in getting your ideas accepted and it will help in communication. Then suppose the child does what children often and asks why again "But why is it important to have my ideas accepted? Why is it important to communicate?". Now, the way you answer this question could either leave the child with nothing or with everything. You could answer him, "Well, because then you'd have certain advantages in business that others might not, you'd make more money and you'd have more (the minister comments: 'the 'god' of today') self-esteem." OR, you could answer him this way. "Why? First of all because you were made in the image of God who brought the earth out of nothing and brought order from chaos. Second, He did this by speaking so God is the originator of language. Third, being made in the image of God, we were made for community and this community is built upon the fact and 4, I think God is hurt by people who scoff at God's gifts of knowledge and creativity being able to be used in His service." Whoa hey.
The sermon went even further to talk about how we trust God because this is God's story. We trust Him in handing out parts to play, and that God, who purposed Jesus Christ and thus salvation from (perhaps as) the foundation of the world, with withhold no good thing from those who walk in His ways. So, it sort of leaves me with questions like, "What is God's will?" I guess I believe that God's will is ultimately always done, though not immediately...which really doesn't get me any closer to the answer, actually. I mean, for example, it's feasible that it was God's will for Keith Green to die in a plane crash (along with two of his young children) at the age of 28 leave behind a wife, a 1 year old and another on the way...I don't like that, but that's because I'm not all loving and I don't have a cosmic perspective of eternity. (By the way, Keith's wife is awesome!)
Anyway, the last thing he said was, "You were meant to be here and to hear this message. Don't let Satan steal this seed. What will you do with it?" Whoa hey take two.
So, since church was so good, I went to the Saintfield Baptist Church in the evening for their 7pm service, which they call their "gospel meeting."
All the women were wearing hats and skirts, but I didn't actually feel too uncom-fortable*. God did this thing with my issue with people thing this morning and apparently, it took. Like, I'm not afraid to look at people as I pass by them and say "hi" or acknowledge their presence anymore. Anyway, the service blew me away again. So, the first thing I noticed was that in the center of their main sanctuary wall were big black letters saying "Be still and know that I am God" (a flash back to an earlier church visit where that was a hymn or song we sang, and a message I really needed - and apparently still need) t hear. Then, the first hymn we sang was by Melody Green, whose book I was currently reading. I had just finished the part where Keith delivers this fiery message to a festival crowd about being lukewarm, about repenting, about taking sin seriously, and about how being a Christian isn't just about saying the sinners praying, stuff has to change in your life. She talked about their "revival, where God stirred up repentance in their hearts and the hearts of those they were ministering to and it caused me to write a letter to God about my own stuff for about 4 hours. I debated about whether or not to go to the service (even felt a bit of "resistance" if you know what I mean), but I decided that I "should" - and, once I got moving, I actually wanted to go.
The message tonight started out by saying "This really happened! This isn't just some story, this really happened." (This would be God dealing with me "what if" waywardness...).
The message turned out to be exactly that same thing I'd just read about in Melody Green's book: how king David was a sinner, and how David's sin was obscene to God and how you and I are no different. What's so amazing about grace (we sang the entire hymn - that was the first time I'd ever sung the whole thing, and I couldn't quite make it all the way through without tearing up - I actually believe hymns when I sing them now!) is that God, even though He is angry with sin, pursues David with Nathaniel, pursues David with His love, and pursues us with His son.
So...1) Prayer works. 2) God gets me better than I do. 3) God knows what time it is. 4) God is AWESOME. 5) God's a pursuer. 6) God gives good gifts (on the way home from long walks in Northern Ireland!):
All this is really important to me, especially in the face of scary (to me) stuff like this, and some other challenges things I've been wrestling with the last few days...

Holland Part 3C: Mr. Objectivity

My first two nights in Amsterdam, I stayed in a hostel sort of on the outskirts on the main town, like, the last really main east-west ring (the street name is called Stadhouderskade) before the ending of major activity on the map, if that makes sense...
It was fun to walk around the area a bit - they had a lovely food market where I found some yummy mixed nuts, but there was something a bit "off" about this hostel. So, I was grateful that I got to leave on Sunday and head to Shelter Jordan, the hostel recommended by a team member of the A'Dam Vineyard church plant, where I would be spending the majority of my time. This hostel is on Bloemstraat (which means bloom or flower street!!) and is one of two Christian Hostels run by volunteers from all over the world who come to Amsterdam for however they long they wish (you have to apply and be accepted) and live in a staff house for free with all expenses paid and you get to take missionary classes, etc. (I'm looking more into this because it sounds AWESOME).
Breakfast is free and you get one of three choices every morning: muesli (a wonderful kind of Granola) with yogurt or milk and fruit, the "hot" breakfast (so, some sort of cooked thing like eggs, french toast, etc.) or the "cold" breakfast (two bread rolls, cheese, jam and butter. Each comes with a drink and free refill and it's all prepared by the volunteers. They offer a community meal for 5 Euros in the evening, you can buy a sack lunch for 4 Euros (these are REALLY good deals especially because they attempt to make these meals healthy and there are alternatives for people like who can't eat just anything). They have Bible discussions every night and evening prayer every night as well (all optional). I, of course, attended both as soon as I heard about it. I asked one of the Bible discussion leaders to read the passage (Psalm 19) in Dutch for me one evening - because how often do you get to do THAT in the States?!
Anyway, the last night I was there, an atheist came to the Bible discussion. He was a Missionary Kid from South Africa who said that he was a determinist and that he believed the whole point of life was to be happy and to transcend emotion and at the end of life, you just wink of existence into a "beautiful silence." He was big on philosophy and said that the Bible is a stupid book, Christianity covers itself over, if Christianity were really true then Christians would be much better people than they actually are (I know a number of people who reject Christ because of the hypocrisy of the church...and I used to be one of them, too), Christians are brainwashed, religion is an opiate for the masses used by people in power to control, and that it isn't rational at all; most people he knows are Christians because they "need" to believe. He lobbed every argument against Christianity at us he could think of - I especially liked the one that goes, "So, you'd think that if God were really there, He would DO something about the people that defile His name? Like, the people who are fucking up church and doing in the name of God? But, man, He's not intervening At. All."
Obviously, he's really hurt. But also, I think he's set himself up so that he won't see God; he thinks he "might be the first person ever to achieve objectivity" and what I wanted to say - in all my offendedness (Lord, I repent for not representing Your love and Your grace well that night) I was thinking, "Yes, that would be true if your very definition of "objectivity" (that is, "no God") wasn't flamingly subjective!".
So, I debated him. I mean, I could have proclaimed Christ and what he did for me. Another girl did just that - she's very sweet and she and I e-mail on facebook now - but it wasn't enough for this guy. He knows the story, I mean, he's a MISSIONARY'S kid. I'm learning that religion might not be a crutch but God, by definition IS - that's the way we were MADE. And, actually, determinism doesn't make a lick of sense. I'm not stupid, I studied chemical engineering for just long enough to wreck my GPa at CU. Determinism argues that IF a person could understand the position of each molecule in the universe, then he could predict the future outcome of history. He kept asking, "Who created God?" First of all, science itself says the universe has to have a beginning. Second of all, science itself says that human life is, baically, statistically impossible. Third, asking "Why existence at all?" is NOT an "emotional" question as he claims it is. It's a philosophical one, which he should know since he was big on philosophy. He even made the argument that the Christian God could not exist that goes like this:
"Suppose you ask, could God make a rock so big He Himself could not lift it? Either way you answer that question, you're conceding that there is something God cannot do." Like, wow. I don't know what to say to it, but what I want to say is that it's asking the wrong question. We SHOULD be asking - Did Jesus Christ die on the cross for sin? Does God have the power to save a world that, from my view, looks like it's rapidly going to Hell? Does Jesus have the power (the only power) to bring LASTING change (we call this transformation) to people's lives? Is there an afterlife?
Actually, I think the most important question is of how we respond to Jesus Christ. We cannot ignore him. The Resurrection of Christ is arguably the most historically proven (as much as something like this can be proved) fact. Jesus said he was God-made-Man and that all who believe on Him will have ever-lasting life. This guy was (is) either a liar, a lunatic, or the Lord Himself.

Holland Part 3B: It's coffee CAFE (unless you want hay!)

(I figured out how to change the time stamp on my blog posts - so whatever time it says I've posted, that's the time it is where I am!! That only took a month!! Speaking of a month, I return to Seattle a month from today!! And, this is my last Sunday in Northern Ireland...next week, I'll be in the capitol of Switzerland!)

So...you're all probably curious: I went to the drug capitol of the world, after all...
I was recommended to the YWAM cafe was just off to the right of the main city centre. It is this rather normal looking building with a beautifully painted inside, and a Christian bookstore attached to the cafe. I got there an hour before it opened, so I decided to wander around...
And I found the Red Light District. That is, I found the place that most people think of when they think of Amsterdam. It was only 11 in the morning, so the air wasn't too thick yet, but there was a lot of illegal-in-the-US activity already going on. I had been told by one of the team members of the A'Dam Vineyard church plant that, if one wanted to obtain drugs (the only ones that are legal here are the soft ones - so, pot and shrooms, basically), one would walk into a coffeSHOP, where they serve things like "happy breakfasts" and have pictures of piping hot coffee whose "steam" is in the suspicious shape of rings. (The only reason I know this is because this is how they advertize. I did not enter one of these shops; I have no interest in this, even if I COULD buy a joint...what would I do with it?) If you wanted a nice place to hang out and read, write, talk with friends and not participate in chemically altering your state of mind, you'd go to a coffee CAFE...
Anyway, I walked and prayed a lot through these broken streets. Everywhere were coffee shops and other pleasure-indulging stores. What I was told is that the drug stores (literally; because pharmacists are called 'chemists' here) that have "authorized dealer" in their windows or somewhere in their stores are "safer" than those who don't. In all honesty, I only saw one store with it: the one pictured that sells (in case it's too small to read): magic mushrooms, psychedelic herbs (people in Ireland pronounce the "H" at the beginning of that word, and people in Holland emphasize the "H" in every word...even if there isn't one...), sex stimulants, energizers, psychedelic seeds, head products and much more. I can't imagine what the "much more" is seeing as I don't know what half the stuff on this "menu" is and no, I did not go inside. I just walked around praying for an hour.
At one point, I walked down this "hallway" (the only thing I felt alright taking a picture of) of fancied-up apartment rooms with windows for the wall that faces the street...there was lots of pink, big beds and lots of pillows...and then, lots of women...with not a lot of clothes. I, unknowingly, stopped walking out of shock. Yes, I know this happens everywhere, but 1) it's 11:30 in the morning, 2) I'm from "White Suburbia", so I am sheltered from this stuff and 3) society here has confused the morals of its citizens by making this legal. I didn't know what to do. I started crying. I tried to pray...but what do you say without sounding trite or naive? "Dear God...break this bondage! Freedom! Salvation! Help!" I guess since I obviously AM naive it was ok. I didn't even want to thank God for sheltering me from this and for not allowing me to fall into this lifestyle because that's just a really self-righteous thing to say when my sin and their sin and your sin is all the same in the eyes of God (more on THAT in a couple posts).
Alright, I hope this wasn't too much for you. I want to be real; this trip isn't all glamor and "the best of the best" - heck, MOST of this trip isn't that. On second thought, maybe I DO this is too much for you - I know it was for me. As Melody Green writes, "Once you've seen the darkness, how can you pretend it's not there?"

Holland Part 3A: I am sterdam

(I want to thank God for a wonderful 8 hour conversation I had with a dearly missed person in my life this morning-afternoon...even though this does make the next month or so a bit harder now; it is definitely worth hearing the voice and seeing the face (yay Skype!) of this very special person!)
My time in the city of Amsterdam was both awesome and challenging. First, the scene to your left was ubiquitous but never ever boring (in fact, about 1/3 of my pictures are the down-the-canal shot, and I've probably doubled or tripled up on the same shot of some canals (unknowingly, of course) because I just didn't get enough!) I had four days of glorious sunshine in which to walk around and explore this easy-to-navigate-even-in-Dutch city. Although I couldn't say any of the street names, I was able to match them with the street signs (little blue placards the size of index cards they nail to sides of buildings, like most everywhere in Europe) and find my way around. I learned a bit more Dutch in the process: Broodjes means sandwhiches, daag means day (Maandaag = Monday), uur means hour, plein means square, gracht means canal, straat means street, huis means house, putting "en" at the end of things pluralizes a word, verse jus - orange jus (jus - juice) nooten = nuts, that sort of thing. Of course, these are mostly the obvious cognates because they even sort of look like the English word they translate to. Although everyone speaks English as well as Dutch (and German and French - all are required in primary school) in A'Dam, nearly all of the signs, directions, menus, etc. are in Dutch.

For me, it was easier to get around A'Dam by foot instead of taking the incredibly sophistocated tram system (but they do drive on the right side of the road - though, much to my surprise, it actually took some adjusting!), because I could follow myself on the map (even though it was in Dutch) instead of hopping on and off and having to find myself on the map again. A'Dam isn't that big of a city, and I actually even TRIED to get lost and couldn't. It is easily and enjoyably walkable.
Mostly, I wandered around, prayed, and took the advice of people who had lived for a long time on what to see. There was the Rembrandt House, where the famous artist lived and painted, the Van Gough Musuem - which, oddly, was only a floor of his stuff (but they did have Starry Night!!) and the rest was all inspirations of his and information about the artist. I saw the Anne Frank House, where Anne fled with her family from Germany during WW2 and wrote her famous diary. I found some beautiful parks and made streets for walking and praying, laying the grass and contemplating the clouds passing between the sun and me (so far, only one sunburn on the trip - and that was on my insane 11 mile walk from Saintfield to Downpatrick!). I found "The Dam" - a sort of city centre/square about a 45 second walk from the Centraal Station (where you catch the trains and trams to and from all over Holland) with a National Monument, a crazy-beautiful museum and lots of famous hotels, shops and tourist magnets.
A'Dam has a rather impressive 6 floor library with a wonderful gourmet cafe on the seventh floor. And, you enter through this automatic revolving door (it's always turning, you just have to hop in - and it's more than twice the size (the doors are twice the length) of any revolving door I've ever seen, so I wasn't terribly freaked out (like I usually am by these things). I hung out there for about three hours before catching my flight back to Belfast - they've got more than I knew what to do with, and most of things I poked around in were in Dutch. It was still a beautiful place with a beautiful view of the city from six stories up (and of the A'Dam aquarium, a huge blue building shaped sort of like the front half a whale and called "Nemo"!)